I have seen a couple of polls on my Twitter recently about people faking orgasms because they just wanted the sex to stop. Common reason is that the sex sometimes gets long-winded for no apparent reason, because the person who fakes the orgasm is not getting to where they need to go. It is also a way to coddle the egos of men (this will be written from a cisheterosexual sense because that is all the experience I have) who seem to be working tirelessly, sweating all over us, ramming into our vaginas, having the time of their lives, and all we get is movement and not pleasure.
I think back to the time that I was 15 years old – I had two very sex positive friends. Yes, 15-year-olds have sex, do not act like you did not know. My sex positive friends were called “difebe” (whores), never mind the fact that we knew probably half the class was fucking or had fucked someone. But there was something incredibly unsettling about these two teen girls admitting they had sex and that they enjoyed it. They were also very open with me about asking that their partners do certain things to them so that they could also enjoy the experience.
Not very much later I had my first sexual encounter. It was not scary and it was not unbearably painful. But something really strange happened a few days after this “breaking of virginity” – my partner wanted to know why I didn’t look like I was in pain when it happened, and why I was so good at guiding him around my own vagina. It was really weird. He wanted the virginity prize, but it would have needed to hurt me physically. My partner could not comprehend that he actually aroused me and that I enjoyed myself. I also did not stay attached to him forever as a prize to popping the cherry; he called me a whore for leaving him.
In the words of my friend Lineo Mabulu, “I am generally down to fuck”, and I am not scared to direct someone “a little to the right”, “a little to the left”, “from behind”, “you better not be trying to get into me yet”, “I’m not ready”, “yes LAWD!”. I also don’t concern myself with things that are none of my business – like bro codes that I did not sign up for. My concern is consent, not whether your friend (who is actually an acquaintance, who is actually someone you only know by name) apparently likes me and now I am “booked”.
This odd “booking” system also accounts for how women’s pleasure in sex is seen as the greatest sin. Women are not subjects, we are objects (thank you patriarchy, you dirty little shit). Women are meant to have sex at the request of men, and must give it at every request. Men have sex with us and use us as props, and we’re supposed to lie there and let it happen, and be freaky at their request. Men are the directors of the movie that it your sex, basically. When they are done giving us underwhelming sex they, with hardly enough time between heavy breaths to actually form a sentence, tell us “Wow! That was great!” BITCH, WHERE?
Life is too short for people who engage in sex to get underwhelming sex, and obviously this cannot be dealt with before women’s pleasure is given some regard. That cannot happen until women’s sexuality is not taboo and heavily policed. That cannot happen until women are actually seen as human. What I am trying to say is that patriarchy needs to get the hell out of my pussy and my whole life. Let it burn.